Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
You Might Also Like
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
groan^2
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.