Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like