The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
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“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
liiiiiiiiike
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series