When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
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I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?