[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
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I am all good here, 😂😉
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.