I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
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The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
me after drinking all the wine:
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I miss this era type of pranks😭
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Just a friendly reminder!
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.