[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
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I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?