Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
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You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
spot the difference
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.