the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
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neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)