me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
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Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Body by cheese-puffs.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.