Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
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I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much