If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
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Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
HERE’S MARKY
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.