Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
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A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox