After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
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Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*