I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
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Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?