Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
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“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I think the cat got the dog high.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.