Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
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You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Warm pools make me nervous.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.