Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
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ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
You look like you would fail a DNA test
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!