Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
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AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.