I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
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If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did