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Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries