Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
You Might Also Like
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog