Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
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Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE