*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
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Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.