Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
You Might Also Like
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Oh. My. God.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”