My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
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Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.