How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
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Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?