SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
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wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
When you’re Kinky but poor
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.