Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
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Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
My kitchen overserved me.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
#JohnTravolta
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
the three branches of government
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.