Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
You Might Also Like
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Great game to play with friends
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.