Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
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To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
what could possibly go wrong?
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.