girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
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If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Worth remembering.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
What a chick magnet..
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.