The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
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I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Cinematography is my passion
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
#catsoftwitter
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb