Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
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Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
😂🤣😂🤣
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
O Wise One….
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
when nothing goes right… go left
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
There are no pants in heaven.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco