My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
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“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Something Saturday.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*