First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
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Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion