All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
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God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
The symmetry is uncanny.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
We avoided this particular disaster
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.