[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
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I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.