πππ₯Ή
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When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practicβ
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[Logging in]
β’ Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesnβt kill me first.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean itβs 7am, why didnβt you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
π€·ββοΈππ€·ββοΈπ
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
HIM: Iβm sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didnβt.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but Iβve got a whole cake in here.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.