My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
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The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.