“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Cats are still liquid.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.