If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Meow
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around