If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
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[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks