captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider