Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
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Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Oh the world we live in…
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I hope they boil the right one.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me