Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
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“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
This has made my week.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*