When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
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Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.