My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
You Might Also Like
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
This is painfully accurate 😅
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.