Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
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*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I triple waxed for this?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list