{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
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I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Thoughts